Relationships
Releasing Control
I am ready to stop trying to control my heart and my feelings. I am ready to release control of trying to feel the right amount of feelings or order my feelings to arrive on a certain schedule that is synced up with someone else’s feelings. I am ready to give up trying to control…
Read MoreSelf-Compassion
During this time of year, I’ve come to understand that there will likely be an emotional release at some (or several) point(s.) I over planned and under-felt my way though the last week, maybe even the last few weeks or more. Now that it’s over, a bubble I’d been living in burst and I realize…
Read MoreExpectations on Gratitude
I am sometimes aware of deep, spontaneous pockets of gratitude for my life. Possibly because I have lived extended periods of time not feeling grateful to be alive, I am so overcome when the gratitude rises up and takes over from the inside. It always feels like a miracle. I don’t ever expect it, but…
Read MoreBeing Alone
I guess I’ve needed to be alone all these years to be able to feel and know myself apart from the needs of anyone else. I needed a lot of time to be able to know who I am, what I want and be willing to protect that against merging with someone else and their…
Read MoreLove
I’ve been single for 15 years. I’ve been saying 10 years for so long and recently realized that it’s now 15. That was a sobering moment of realization. Often when men learn this they don’t believe me or ask what is wrong with me. I am single. I try not to have beliefs about why.…
Read MoreFilter
In my adult years of dating men, I often marvel at their collective inability to get me, to allow my feelings to exist without trying to fix or solve me, to comfortably let me lead, or to be curious about what I might say, do or be if they stopped talking for a bit and…
Read MoreAlone
I didn’t expect be 41 and have been single for over a decade, but that’s what is happening. I’ve decided that I’m done writing and re-writing dating profiles and going on endless dates to prove that I’m taking action and putting myself out there. All the stories and anecdotal evidence of what “worked” for some…
Read MoreListening
I find that listening is a gift whether I am the one with open ears and an open heart or I am the one speaking. It’s often actually very challenging for me to just listen, more so with those that aren’t used to being listened to and tend to ask questions or feel uncomfortable with…
Read MoreSupport
Today I’m moved by my own strong desire to feel supported in my life. Support for me feels like connection, listening, calling, showing up, checking in, offering, loving, communicating, making time, encouragement, patience, and presence. I know there is a wide net of love that exists for me. And there are times, like today, that…
Read More#metoo
Every time I see, hear or read the name Ben, I think about the Benjamin R. Holland, who I was on the Swimming & Diving Team with at Kenyon College, who had sex with me without my consent. Even now as I write this 20 years later, I hesitate to use the word rape because…
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