Alone
I didn’t expect be 41 and have been single for over a decade, but that’s what is happening.
I’ve decided that I’m done writing and re-writing dating profiles and going on endless dates to prove that I’m taking action and putting myself out there. All the stories and anecdotal evidence of what “worked” for some other people finding love is useless filler until the right person finally comes along or doesn’t ever arrive.
I’ve made hundreds (maybe even thousands) of prayers, written so many intentions, visualized, journaled, talked to psychics, dating coaches, therapists…I’ve received countless assurances from friends that my partner is totally out there and will definitely find me. Ok. Cool.
Meanwhile, I’m done trying too hard or too little or trying to try just the right amount. I’m done pontificating on why I’ve been single for so long. I’m over suggestions and ideas about what I should do, how I should behave, what I should look like, how I should dress, what makeup to wear, or which dating app I should try. I’m so tired and bored to tears of all of that.
I’ve been open minded. I’ve tried almost everything anyone has suggested to me. I’ve dated outside my comfort zone and given chances to men that did not deserve them. I’ve said so many No’s, held so many boundaries, narrowly escaped so many sketchy situations and had many potentially dangerous moments. Dating, in my experience, is shocking, risky, gross and also often boring. I’m not impressed easily and I don’t intend to change that about myself.
I’m tired of talking about dates, explaining what happened, getting burned out, feeling bitter, taking breaks, recovering from being disgusted and disappointed with the men I have met. I’m talking about terrible behavior, entitled assumptions, obvious, thinly veiled lies, grey area relationship statuses and lack of . It’s utterly disheartening if I’m honest, which I rarely ever am, because I try to have a good attitude, be positive, keep my head up, etc.
Or I can just admit that my life is often way too interesting to waste any more time on an endless stream of coffee dates with dudes that are duds or using my precious brainpower trying to text and chat interesting, thoughtful things to men that are unwilling to put in minimal effort to even spell out words.
I love not catering to how men think things should be. I love not having to explain my feelings logically, tiptoe around sensitive egos, and I love not cleaning up after anyone. I love not having kids. I love my life so much.
For the right partnership, I’d make exceptions and find all the ways that a relationship enhances my experience of life, but the older I get, the higher my standards are because I value myself so much more and am unwilling to give myself to anything less than an exceptional partnership. I’m am thoroughly at peace if that means being single for the rest of my life. So be it. I’m beyond blessed as it is.
It turns out that being alone works for me because I get to do exactly what I want to do all the time. I love making all my own decisions without consulting anyone if I don’t want to. I feel free most of the time and I like that feeling. I’m not anti-partnership for myself. I’m not anti-kids. I’m pro-me and pro-liking the life I have right now.
I need everything related to dating to be totally different. I have no idea what that looks like. I do know that I’m done with everything that I’m done with. It is a huge weight off my shoulders to let it all go. Buh-bye! I will not miss the drama, frustration or confusion at all.
“I want to not feel wrong doing the things that, for me, feel right. I want to exist in a space where partnership is not an option, so I can learn who I am without considering who I should be for someone else. I want to spend the day blissfully, stupidly lost in my writing without lying awake all night wondering if I should have put myself out there instead. I want to look in the mirror and feel good, not because I spent time and money primping myself in someone else’s image, but because I’ve done nothing at all and I’m allowed to like it. I want to let myself experience the uninterrupted joy that comes when I’m alone, so I can trust it later on when so many voices are telling me it’s not enough. I want to understand what it is I actually want when no one is around to tell me what’s missing.”