Love

I’ve been single for 15 years. I’ve been saying 10 years for so long and recently realized that it’s now 15. That was a sobering moment of realization. Often when men learn this they don’t believe me or ask what is wrong with me.

I am single. I try not to have beliefs about why. I don’t believe that there is anything “wrong” with me. I haven’t met the right person. The things that I work on with dating are being myself, staying out of relationships with men that aren’t emotionally or physically available or have lots of drama, finding men that are not dependent on any substances, and making honest, open communication a priority. This is a lot for many men. They simply don’t make it through the initial rounds. I’m am flexible, but also unwilling to compromise my health or happiness. If I commit to a relationship it will be because I feel we are equal partners able to fall in love while communicating and respecting each other and adding value to each others lives.

I have a strong filter. I’ve been hurt in the past. I have also done, and continue to do, a lot of work around being able to be present and see that my past hurts were situational.

I also think that because I am a large, curvy woman, there are a percentage of men that can’t imagine or see me as their partner. I need to be with someone that loves me, loves my body and isn’t trying to change me.

I did work with a dating coach for about a year. She was just starting out her practice then. That was probably 5-6 years ago. It was helpful. She encouraged me to throw a party for singles where everyone invited brings someone else who is also single. She helped me with my dating profile. It was helpful to have her feedback and encouragement. The biggest value of that work was that she helped me stop feeling ashamed to talk about being single and my desire for partnership.

I have tried almost every dating app and website. Often multiple times. I sometimes get discouraged and take breaks, deleting my profile only to go back recreate it a few months later. The quality of profiles and connections has gone way down in online dating as it’s become so common. I find many people aren’t able to be honest about what they want or are ready for. I find at this stage of my life a lot of men I connect with are just recently or “almost” divorced. Typically they think that they are ready to meet someone new, but time after time, I decide that they most definitely are not.

I have prayed my heart out about finding my partner. Spoken these prayers aloud in ceremonies in front of friends and family. Over and over. It always feels good to speak my desires and intentions into a sacred altar and out loud to the universe. I am constantly praying for more faith in love and the ability to believe that what I can imagine for myself exists and is possible in my lifetime.

I’ve had sessions with psychics and intuitive healers. Several have said that I need to create some kind of larger presence, fame or notoriety with my art or career to be able to be seen by my partner. I honestly hate this information. It really pisses me off. Maybe in my own stubborn, round about way this is happening, but I sure dislike hearing that information.

I have written about my future partner & partnership so many times. Mostly it’s a feeling of home, an old soul connection, a kindness and a passionate connection that I am looking for. I don’t have a rigid list. I do want a man that supports himself well. I can support myself and we can support each other, but I am not willing to bear the weight of anything in an un-reciprocal way. I am not going to play an overly maternal role. Taking care of himself means an income source, transportation, healthy relationships with friends and family, the ability to make and keep plans, and the ability to be in the world in a responsible, productive way without excessively using drugs, alcohol or smoking.

Everyone I know knows that I am looking for a partnership and I am not shy about writing about it online or discussing the challenges I’ve gone through around this. It has not been easy.

I’ve had many years of therapy. I’ve worked on myself and continue to work on myself. Sometimes I think I’ve created a level of insight and communication that is both intimidating and exhausting to some men.

I’ve gone so deep and so far that I’ve come full circle back to a place where I don’t know anything anymore. I’ve just let it all go and am in a place where I almost accept that I will likely not find someone at this stage of my life so I am living my life for me. Every few years or so, I meet a beautiful, passionate lover and have some really great sex for awhile. Often it ends because I start having feelings for them and they aren’t available for more.

I feel like a medley of contradictions. I’m jaded and bitter. I’m hopeful and open-hearted. I’m angry and hurt by men. I love men and want to be with a man that desires me and wants to share a life with me. I’m frustrated and exasperated by so many of the men I’ve met online. I see so many relationships around me where men behave badly and my friends deal with it. I believe in compromise, but not in tolerating bullshit. I’m stubborn and also willing to learn and become someone that can be a great partner.

At this point, I feel it’s in the hands of the universe and great spirit. I feel I have done everything that I can do in this regard. My current instructions are to be on the lookout, keep my eyes open, trust my intuition fiercely as to when I can relax my filter and create openings, be ready for the unexpected and be open to my partner being different and better than I can even imagine right now.

A recent insight is to look for ways that I can allow myself to be and feel cared for. I’m capable and can take care of myself, but sometimes it feels so good to let someone else care for me a little. I can relax my determination to be so strong and independent all the time and allow for more softness and receptivity to come my way.