Tuesday Thoughts

I saw pumpkins on a porch in Berkeley. I noticed that the leaves are starting to change color. Summer is waning, but it’s still warm enough to eat outside in the shade and sleep with the windows open.

I smelled a hint of fall in the air last night. I felt both relieved and anxious. Our family cabin is sold. It’s the end of an era.

I sneezed, scared my cat and peed a little bit. Better do more keels. I feel like my hair is going grey faster than it was a few months ago. I’m losing more hair in the shower than I ever have before. I’m drinking bone broth with collagen twice a day. I can’t tell yet if it’s making a difference. Is my stress about these things causing me to go grey and lose my hair faster? For a second, I stress about how to be less stressed. Then I laugh and calm down. I am blessed with a legendary head of hair. It’s undeniable, everyone says so. I’ll enjoy my hair while I can.

I feel so young and so old. It’s a weird in-betweeny time. Do other people feel this way? Should I google it or try to find a Facebook support group? I’m overweight and I have a wart on my thumb I need to get removed. I have better than normal blood pressure and perfect eyesight. I feel healthy and unhealthy at the same time. I don’t think I want kids, but what if I really want grandkids? I’m sure I can work something out.

My house is clean. My desk is organized. My to do list is out of control. There are some things I do not want to do no matter how many times I underline them or how many exclamation points I add to them. I had a satisfying, healthy lunch with a friend. I listened and was listened to. I feel peaceful today despite menstrual cramps and insomnia last night. I left my laundry in the washer again. Now it stinks so I have to wash it again in the hottest water possible. I am wasting energy and water because I get distracted easily. I need to set a timer. I’m aware I might never actually do that. Why can’t I get it together?!

It was trash day today. I created too much trash this week. I worry the garbage men are judging me. How many garbage women are there? Why have I never seen one? What’s up with that? I cried about killing a potato bug in my garage and was also totally grossed out by it. I killed it by accident, but I would have also killed it on purpose. A part of me wants to save them and another part of me thinks all potato bugs must die. I love how I talk about “saving” a bug by putting it outside. I don’t know what is going to happen to that bug? How far am I really willing to go to ensure that bugs safety. Honestly not that far. Just because I decided not to kill it, doesn’t mean I saved it’s life. What about live and let live? Not in my house! Not around my laundry! I’m a symphony of contradiction, privilege & entitlement. I’m working on that constantly.

Moment to moment my life is rich, full, emotional, confusing, clear, calm, stressful and peaceful. Some days are full of micro wins. Some days are loaded with things that grate on my nerves and grooves I struggle to break out of. Some days I love the freedom I have and some days I feel chained to my desk. I love being alone and I dislike feeling lonely. I love being social and it also sometimes drains me. I’m 50 shades of codependent and also an expert for how to not be codependent and have excellent boundaries. I love setting good, healthy boundaries except for the times that I don’t. Oops, I did it again. I’m a hypocrite and need to take my own advice. My filter is both too strong and not strong enough. I should drink my own medicine. I shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone anyway, right?

This part of 41 feels like a calm before a storm. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am hopeful. I am more stable than I ever have been before. I realize how little I know in a deeper way than ever before. I feel smarter, wiser and more confident, and also more clear about my ignorance and shortcomings. I’m so far from where I thought I’d be at this age. I could never have even begun to imagine how my life would unfold. I try to remember that my future is most likely unimaginable. I feel at peace with that thought. I don’t really plan things too far in the future. I loathe the question, “Where do you want to be in 5/10/15/20 years?” Go ahead, make a plan and see how that works out for you. I know exactly what I want and what I don’t want, unless I can’t decide and then that is the worst. I like about myself that I plan amazing parties, dates, meals and often get really overwhelmed executing my amazing ideas, but I love to do it anyway.

I know myself. That’s what many wise people say, “Know thyself.” I can see most of my faults, weaknesses, strengths and magic. I’ve got a good handle on a lot of things. I’m super functional a lot of the time. I’m also paralyzed by some things and feel more adolescent than adult at some point each day. I’m nervous and apprehensive about the future. I look forward to tomorrow.

The peace I have at the core of everything prevails because the contradictions exist and I try to embrace them all without worrying that there’s a problem with multiple truths existing within me or outside of me.

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