There’s a stuckness I’m grappling with and it’s all on me. There are no real barriers to my happiness other than my own willingness to be happy.

I’m completely willing to be happy with my friends, with strangers, in public places. I love being kind, open, loving, and supportive with people in my life. It’s harder to be that way with myself when no one else is around.

I’m no longer mean to myself, mostly patient and compassionate, but there’s a level of love that I’m withholding from myself. I deny myself many opportunities for unimaginable happiness. Why? Is it an underdeveloped muscle or an ingrained neural pathway? It takes guts, planning and extra energy to give myself the experiences that I really long for.

For a long time that I’ve been holding back & reserving my energy because life is unpredictable. I don’t ever know what might be demanded of me. If I expend all my energy on myself, then I won’t have anything to give if someone else needs something. But love and happiness energy isn’t like that, I’m not going to run out. The supply is endless.

New plan: No more holding back. All my energy goes into giving myself a happy life. My happy life is helpful for everyone.

Austin Schmid

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