Fear

For the first part of 2018, I was deep in fear. It looked like depression, anxiety, hopelessness and insecurity. It was paralyzing. It got so uncomfortable and unbearable that I had to change almost everything, including my relationship to anger.

I think it’s true that some of us react in anger when we are afraid, but also I’ve used fear to dampen my anger because it’s a more societally acceptable way to be as a woman (or person.)

In the second half of 2018, I started allowing myself to be angry, like really angry. I found some powerful outlets for my anger in talking, dancing, writing, breathing, breaking patterns (and sometimes pottery) and taking action. I used to worry that my rage would take over, or create unintentional hurt or pain for other people, or make me undesirable. Running away from, repressing and numbing out anger did not benefit me though. The real work that allows me to be more alive and feel more love than ever is to be with my anger, see it clearly and use it to inform how I move forward in my life, what I do with my energy and how I express myself.

I’m allowing anger to course through my body and I am not angry with the people that I love, or even many specific people (though there certainly a few individuals…) but I experience that feeling my anger more deeply allows me to love more deeply and feel more peace within myself because the energy of resisting anger (pretending it’s not there) is extremely draining.

In 2019, I’m letting go of anger at myself, anger about what I perceived was unfair about my past, and unproductive anger that excludes or demeans. I’m allowing for and breathing into anger fueled by seeking out and seeing the truth and ugliness beneath our systems, the levels of denial we are in about our part in that truth, and what’s possible when we decide to stop being numb and overwhelmed and find productive ways to harness anger into right action.