Sometimes I write in dialogue with a part of myself that is called Higher Guidance. I learned about Higher Guidance and her unending wisdom almost 20 years ago. If I ask her direct questions, she always has clear, direct and helpful answers.
I asked her what my emotional needs are and she said this:
Your emotional needs are human needs. You need to be loved. You need to be appreciated. You need to be touched. Some needs can be met by friends, some can be met by lovers and some can be met by taking care of yourself. You also have a deep need for reassurance and for belonging and security. This need is really deeper than any one person can fill. It’s your job to reassure yourself that you are there for yourself and not abandon yourself to meet other people’s needs. It’s your job to find spaces and people that enhance your sense of belonging and help you feel secure. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make you feel secure as an adult, that is an inside job. You can certainly let people know your need for reassurance. You can certainly model the ways in which you would like to be treated. And you can move away from people and situations that don’t align with your needs.
We can get carried away in our neediness as we move in and out of intimacy because the physical immersion brings us back to this surrendered state of innocence and when we merge sexually it is for a moment that person is filling us up entirely with their body and energy and it feels completely fulfilling, but that is a temporary state. Moving in and out of intimacy doesn’t have to be scary. Your ability to be intimate with someone isn’t unique to only that person, it’s your ability and your intimacy. Not everyone will be able to handle your level of intimacy and that is okay.
Having and naming your needs, emotional or otherwise, is better than pretending not to have them. If you pretend not to have them, they come out sideways and are worse. Also relieving the person you are with from needing to do anything about your needs is helpful. Sometimes just verbalizing it helps bring the calm. Remind him that he is allowed to have needs too. And you don’t need to meet them if you can’t. You either can and want to or your can’t and don’t want to. It’s all ok.