Loneliness

Sometimes loneliness is gut wrenching. It feels vulnerable to talk about loneliness, but it’s such a real part of life.

Facebook memories started pulling on a thread of loneliness today. I saw pictures from 8 years ago of people who came to my house for a pumpkin carving party. If I had a pumpkin carving party today, different people would be there. I felt sad to have grown so far apart from those people and pumpkins from 8 years ago. Life happened and took us all in different directions.

I remember feeling lonely after that party 8 years ago too. It was a sweet gathering and then it was over. I feel so deeply the disconnection that happens after connection. Cycles of connection and disconnection happen all the time, highs and lows, feelings of being on the inside and on the outside, and everything in between… it is my special gift to be so highly attuned to all of it.

I see my relationship to my own loneliness as an informative measure of how I am coping with life. Loneliness can motivate me to reach out, help me find ways to comfort myself, feel like a crushing weight, and it can feel like a black hole about to swallow me up.

In all my explorations in healing, I haven’t found a way around having all of my feelings. I’ve tried so hard to feel less, to care less, to ignore and pretend, and to fake it until I make it. Those ways don’t work for me.

I can feel loneliness even in times of deep connection. I try to face it honestly and undefended. I take my own hands and hug myself and deeply feel my own experience.

It’s not something I need to solve or change. It’s a continual integration and acceptance. I feel grateful for the time and space to feel so much.

In times of loneliness, there is so much to notice and become aware of. It’s such a deep relief to not try to change my feelings. Sometimes I push them to the side for later, sometimes they flow freely. I like to notice when I’m having feelings about my feelings. Sometimes that makes me laugh.

I’ve had so much help and healing come my way. More and more I allow myself to be how I am. It’s hard sometimes, but also really simple. It always passes. This too shall pass – it’s always true.