waiting

Last Updated on October 4, 2025

I felt these words so deeply.

I’ve been waiting too—sometimes patiently, sometimes aggressively, even self-destructively. I forget my self-care practices. I lean into choices I know won’t make me feel better.

I ride a glimmer of creative spark, using a moment of inspiration to feel better, but I am still waiting. Waiting inside. Looking out the window. Seeing beauty & magic, remembering back to times when I could turn that into a way forward that felt like me.

I’m waiting to feel less overwhelmed. Waiting to breathe more fully, to have more energy, to feel more alive. To like my body more. To feel more desirable. I am waiting for inspiration that lasts longer than a moment.

I wait while worrying that I’ve lost the edge, missed the plot, ruined my chances. I feel frozen by the fear that the best moments are in the past—that my innocence is gone & my joy echoes too far away.

Why is it like this right now? Haven’t I been good enough, done all the right things, followed the rules, made the efforts? Yet this doesn’t feel like me. It feels like I took wrong turns & now I can’t find my way back. But back to where? Where was the place that was supposed to be so good, anyway?

I don’t understand how people are calmly walking around like everything is fine when it’s all on fire—and we’ve normalized it. We gaslight ourselves into believing this is the life we prayed for, that it’s all working out, even when the sinking feeling whispers it’s all super fucked up & we have no idea what’s going on.

The thing I cling to is connection. A laugh, a smile, a hug, sharing words, enjoying the sweetness of being together. My cat purring in my ear. A friend holding my hand. Girlfriends laughing about the ridiculous challenges of our changing bodies.

I can give love to myself, but I feel gratitude that others give love to me, & to each other. Those moments are everything. They are what make life worth living.

I even cherish the waiting. I feel into the corners of my life & find my soul there—always there—looking back, smiling, saying:

Yes. Here I am. Still here. Still your biggest fan. Still waiting with you. Cheering you on. Take your time. You are perfect.