Feelings
anger
I went for a neighborhood walk at sunset today. I felt so angry & needed to move. I stomped on all the dry leaves in my path. They made a crunching noise that was almost satisfying. I was reminded of the epic tantrums I threw as a kid where I’d slam my bedroom door more…
Read Moreandrew
The letter I wrote for my own clarity, but will not send. From my heart to the universe, a prayer to move forward. Dear Andrew, When I think about you—or about anything you’ve said to me, or that I might want to say to you—it stirs something intense inside me. My body reacts with a…
Read Morewaiting
I felt these words so deeply. I’ve been waiting too—sometimes patiently, sometimes aggressively, even self-destructively. I forget my self-care practices. I lean into choices I know won’t make me feel better. I ride a glimmer of creative spark, using a moment of inspiration to feel better, but I am still waiting. Waiting inside. Looking out…
Read Morecold plunge
I went in the ocean at China Beach around 8:30am today. A friend was celebrating her birthday with a cold plunge in the Pacific! The bay by my house was glassy. As I drove past, I glimpsed the sun dancing across the surface. It reminded me of Fallen Leaf Lake near Lake Tahoe. For years,…
Read Moreflying through darkness
I’m 2 hours into a 5.5 hour flight across the country. The light out my window is waning as we fly into tonight’s darkness. I watched a movie for the first 2 hours called, We Live In Time. It had me shaking, crying, and trembling with grief for what I’ve never had and will likely…
Read Morewhat really matters
There’s an explosion of new green everywhere, I saw the first poppies on the hillside today. Light pink blossom petals are silently fluttering to the ground with the slightest breeze. I’ve been easing my way back into my yoga practice after a 2-month break. I’ve found some energy and inspiration to cook a few meals…
Read Morefull
I feel too full. I’ve taken in too much information for too long and it’s all unsettled inside of me. I feel my heart pounding throughout my body. Everything feels a little tingly and vaguely overwhelming. It’s quiet now where I am, but it’s still too loud from all the residual sounds of the ways…
Read Moreexhale peace
Today I woke up early to take my friend to the airport shuttle. The air around me felt heavy and surreal. It was like someone died, my friend said. Many Americans chose a man for president who I cannot find any love for. That’s the best thing I can say about him. I wasn’t blindsided…
Read Moreants
It’s 2:09am. I’ve been trying to fall asleep for more than 2 hours. I got up to make myself some Calm with magnesium, L-theanine, and GABA. This has been SO helpful with my sleep when I remember to take it. I engage in another round of killing ants as I wait for my hot water…
Read Moreroot rot
Last weekend, I noticed the root of one of my San Pedro plants is rotting. This is a first in the 13 years I have been tending these plants. Even with all I have learned, I still felt crushed, as if it were personal or my fault. I had all my feelings about what a…
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