sacred pause

Today I curated a day for myself filled with things that make me happy. Several moments happened organically that enhanced & deepened my happiness. It’s so beautiful & sacred to fuel & savor my own happiness.

My current happiness holds as much no as it does yes. As much anger as joy. As much freedom as responsibility. It exists on a razors edge & that is what makes it so vibrant.

A few weeks ago something shifted in me. Everything slowed down and revealed itself more vividly. I noticed…efforting towards being a good person, when I need to review whose definition of “good person” I’ve been striving for. I saw…performing for success, effectiveness & to be seen a certain way or to compensate for something. Striving, striving, striving without deeply understanding why. I saw all these rituals I do & wondered, “For who? Why? Do these things make me happy?”

In the past it felt more dangerous to unhook from these different parts of myself & let free falling happen. Maybe the danger was doubt in my sense of self?

Intermittent numbness, inability to put words to my experience, not finding myself reflected back to me in a way that makes sense. These things are scary sometimes when I worry that I might not keep moving forward through them & come to a new sense of clarity. I do trust myself & my instinct to grow & find new perspectives & greater paradigms.

I let go & hovered for a terrifying moment in between the rings. This discomfort is where my life happens. The unknown embrace of what if & I wonder. Curiosity & courage to make a different choice, admit that things feel weird & be honest about not knowing. It feels so much better to me than anything I might try to make up to cover for my sense of spiritual flailing.

I keep discovering that doubt, insecurity, questioning, investigating…these things don’t actually need to be hidden, denied, or looked down upon. This way is very rich once I stop judging myself for all the avenues my mind can simultaneously entertain.

I don’t need to make sense all the time. I don’t need to explain everything. I am more patient with myself than I’ve ever been. And it’s a truly beautiful thing to feel.