love

Someone spelled LOVE on the sidewalk. I almost accidentally stepped on it, but didn’t. I stopped in my tracks and tears came to my eyes. I breathed in deeply and walked on feeling the ache in my heart.

My restorative yoga teacher read a quote in class last night, “If you want to let go. Fall in love with the part of yourself that is holding on.”

I felt that so deeply. I wanted to orient my whole life around these words. The parts of myself that hold on need so much of my love.

On Saturday I saw a musical that took me on an emotional roller coaster. When the characters fell in love, I cried at the sweetness and beauty. In my tears was also the heaviness of all the years that I’ve never experienced a mutual falling in love, the belief that it doesn’t exist for me, at least in this lifetime.

When the love between the characters fell apart and they were plagued with doubt, I gave up on love with them.

When they went the long way to the underworld for the chance of finding their love, I believed again. But then doubt crept in that no one would ever go on such a journey for me.

When there was a chance again for love to work out, I felt my hope arise and my longing flourish.

Up, down, up, down. At the mercy of it all. Hope soaring and hopes dashed.

In the end, just when they think they’ve made it, they fail and do not get to be together. I understood this heartbreak deeply from my many experiences of things not working out.

I love the part of myself that can’t help riding emotional roller coasters. I love the part of myself who no longer believes in love. I love the part of myself who will never give up hope. I love that I’ve learned to love all these parts of myself.

The drama of love I’ve experienced in the past has never nourished me the way I’ve learned how to nourish myself. It’s a long slow heartbreak to let go of the stories of love I’ve heard about and thought would be part of my story. I’m as relieved as I am disappointed that a love relationship isn’t the center of my life.

I fell in love with myself at the center of my life. I am letting go and holding on at the same time. It’s the most human thing.