Listening to the Medicine: When Peyote Says “This Is Not for You”

Listening for Truth

Who am I?
I am a powerful woman. I am unique. I have a quiet, spidery way.
I seek and speak the truth.
I am an agent of huachuma, of San Pedro medicine.

Why I Am Here

I’m here to listen — to plants, to trees, to water, to people, to my own spirit.
To give voice to what can’t be easily heard.
To communicate truth and essence, to help others see what’s possible.

I’ve spent years learning to see myself clearly.
And I am still learning.

A Conversation with Higher Guidance

Dear higher guidance,

Please help me know what the peyote is sharing with me. Should I keep sitting with it? Should I keep keep praying in this way?

It’s consistently painful. I keep going back. It feels so wrong and so hard. Please help me make sense of it.

And the answer that came was gentle but clear:

Your assessment is absolutely accurate — for you. The situation isn’t wrong; it’s just wrong for you. You don’t need to learn to tolerate more discomfort or chaos. If it feels like discomfort, it is. If it feels like chaos, it is.

This message cut through the confusion I had been carrying.
I realized that spiritual growth doesn’t require endless endurance.
That sensitivity — especially the kind shaped by autism — is not weakness; it’s an intricate, finely tuned way of knowing.

Autism, Sensitivity, and the Myth of Toughness

So often, others can’t see the scale of what I feel. They think my struggles are small. They believe pushing through will make me stronger.

But pushing through has only led me to burnout, sickness, and depression — again and again.
Autism is an invisible sensitivity, an unspoken magnitude of perception that few can imagine.

The deeper lesson isn’t endurance — it’s listening.
Knowing when to step back.
Knowing when something is simply too much.

What the Peyote Teaches

The lesson from the peyote is about listening and right timing.
Sometimes medicine speaks what we don’t want to hear.
Sometimes the most loving truth is “this is not for you.”

It’s a hard message, especially when what’s “not for you” includes people or roles you love. I wanted to stay close, to keep the role that felt true and sacred.
But the medicine said otherwise.

Maybe it wasn’t rejection — maybe it was redirection.

When Ceremony Becomes Too Much

Every peyote ceremony has been too much for me.
The taste — bitter, harsh.
The physical reaction — itching hands, sneezing, watery eyes.
Even preparing the fresh plants triggered my allergies.

It felt like my choices were all in or all out.
If I couldn’t drink the medicine, I feared I’d lose love, belonging, my place in the circle.

That fear — of being outside, of being “too sensitive” — became the hardest medicine of all.

The Real Lesson: Truth and Timely Action

Maybe the lesson isn’t to push through the discomfort, but to honor it.
To know my limits not as failures, but as wisdom.

Dear higher guidance, what do I say?

Tell her the truth, my dear. Tell her you are fearful of the peyote ceremonies. Tell her your experience is different, and that you often feel on the outside.

Maybe my healing isn’t in the peyote circle at all — maybe it’s in the honesty that comes from stepping out of it.
Maybe the medicine is asking me to listen to my own nervous system as deeply as I’ve listened to Spirit.

The Truth Beneath It All

Each time I’ve tried to stay, I’ve pushed myself to “be there in a good way,” even when it cost me more than I had to give.
I plan, prepare, pray — then watch things shift beyond my control.

And still, I keep trying to improve, to be better, to push.

But perhaps healing isn’t about pushing anymore.
Perhaps it’s about building a life that’s truly sustainable — one that honors sensitivity as sacred.

Maybe that’s the real medicine.