labyrinth

I walk into the labyrinth with this prayer: I can be happy in this life. 

I walk slowly, intentionally and calmly repreating this prayer several times to myself. I feel the magic of the Marin Headlands. I open myself wider and take in the expansive views from the Pacific cliffs overlooking the fog covered waves. Wide V’s of pelicans fly by at eye level. In a daze my gaze follows them until they disappear.

I walk and notice the way the labyrinth is carefully maintained by all who visit. Small rows of stones placed just so to maintain the folding and unfolding pathway. Am I closer to the inside or closer to the outside? I don’t know until I arrive at the center. Then I decide what to do, how long to stand there, how to honor the heart of the labyrinth. 

I stand in the center and take in the co-created altar. Many hold this space as sacred. I see all the small offerings people have left behind. Some broken, some worn, some that register to me as trash, some clearly loved objects, some flowers, and some names written on rocks. I know it’s all meaningful whether or not I can see the meaning.  

A feeling is rising up inside me. The center doesn’t feel sacred in the way that I would make it sacred. I have an urge to make it more beautiful. I want to take it upon myself to organize it and make decisions about what should go and what should stay. 

I feel myself in the energy of judgement and of being better than. I notice that energy is not happy as I was just been praying to be. I realize that I can let things be as they are. I can walk in beauty and chose to let go of whatever judgement I found at the center about others not doing things as I would do them. 

Walking in beauty. I wonder what it means to me in this moment. The beauty way is a way that I love, value and orient myself towards. I love taking the time to make things beautiful. It’s not part of the beauty way to feel superior or better than anyone else though. I also know that allowing that beauty way prayer to shift into pressure or expectation to always make everything beautiful, is not the beauty way. 

I see it as keeping my energy beautiful because that’s how I like it. It’s about my responsibility to my own beauty way that is kindness, compassion, gentleness, honoring and allowing. My beauty way includes not being in opposition to my life or what I find on my path. I can touch more lives with my beauty way than I ever can with my judgement or explaining why my way is better or worrying about trying to make other peoples things better. 

We came upon a man on the trail who bowed to the dogs, Stan and Cliff. He got on his knees to be on their level to greet them. The dogs immediately understood and licked his face lovingly. That man had a beauty way about him. He was open to what the universe had for him and greeted it so lovingly and compassionately. How would these dogs most like me to greet them? How can we share a moment of love and connection? He was so lovely and humble. My heart felt so buoyed by his energy within a 3 minute exchange. I’m still thinking about it and feeling inspired. 

Wonder and awe are such a pleasureable way to view the walk through life. It does not mean I do not see and feel the pain, injustice, grief, and the horror. Those are things I am constantly perceiving, attuning to, and callibrating around. And I also pray to be happy in this life. I pray for happiness that others can feel and be inspired by. Laughing, feeling joy, being happy, even just feeling okay are such important experiences to prioritize. 

We stopped to watch the colony of surfers floating on their boards and taking their turns riding the waves. I noticed a man without a wetsuit in a turquoise cap swimming out beyond the line of surfers. He then started swimming butterfly perpendicualr to the beach. I watched him go like that for a long time feeling awe at the strength one must have to swim butterfly for such a distance in the ocean. 

I remember the feeling of swimming butterfly and being good at it. I learned how to do it earlier than many other kids my age. I liked the feeling of being good at butterfly. The way I moved my body through the water, the undulation made sense to me, the effort was worth the reward. I most loved the beauty of the stroke, but learned to love (and hate) the idea of winning, being the fastest, getting blue ribbons, of my team winning, of being respected for being strong, and the stress of competition that distracted me from many other hard things in life.  

I love the way the present moment kaleidescopes backwards and forwards in time in my mind sometimes. Experiences inspire memories and memories inspire insight and wisdom. Wisdom sometimes falls apart into questioning everything and knowing nothing again. 

I love this process. I make time to have these experiences. It makes life feel interesting to me. It makes me want more. It makes it all feel worth it.