exactly as i am

It’s a time of year when things shift. From closing the curtains to keep the heat out to closing them to keep the heat in. From wondering if my plants need water because they’re too dry to wondering if they will be okay with all the rain and cold. From the AC in the afternoon and the heater in the morning to heater running in the morning and the evening.

It’s the time of year when the cats beg to go outside, only to realize it’s too cold. When it gets dark early and I think I need to call them in, they’re already inside, curled up and napping. Sometimes I’m outside calling for Frank, worried I can’t find her—and she’s been inside all along like, “Mom, I’ve been here.”

It’s a cozy time of year. Hot tea. Getting in bed early. Time to take down the ancestor altar and put up holiday decorations. Warm hats and puffy coats. Retiring my flip-flops for a few months. Wearing slippers around the house. Making soups and warm, comforting food.

It’s also a time of year when I sometimes just feel… neutral. I don’t feel depressed and I don’t feel super ecstatic or excited. Sometimes it feels really good to just be okay—to ride life’s ups and downs solidly, not overly rooted in or attached to any one state or extreme. Not invested in or pushing myself to feel anything in particular.

Especially around Thanksgiving. I’m not into forcing gratitude. If it arises on its own, great. If not, that’s cool too. It feels good to let myself be exactly as I am.

I notice the pressure I sometimes feel to pull some kind of depth or wisdom out of myself, to think of something worth writing about. It’s just as valuable to be living my life and experiencing one moment to the next without recording or narrating it.

Some moments are pleasant, some happy, some frustrating, some sad, some annoying. I’m moving between them without needing to explain, prove, perform or justify anything, without needing anyone to agree or understand.

It feels complete to be with myself, to approve of myself, to not be in resistance or opposition to anything inside me. This feels worth taking a moment to write about.