ants

It’s 2:09am. I’ve been trying to fall asleep for more than 2 hours.

I got up to make myself some Calm with magnesium, L-theanine, and GABA. This has been SO helpful with my sleep when I remember to take it.

I engage in another round of killing ants as I wait for my hot water to boil. I’ve been killing ants day and night for almost 3 months now. Anytime I have an any slight feeling of satisfaction at having possibly “won the battle,” I am reminded that the ants are wholly committed to finding sustenance inside my home. They pivot, they flip their game, they try new entry points and strategies all the time. And so, I do too.

I’m done buying ant traps. I’m done with the stress that whatever toxic thing I use to kill ants or kill their queen will harm my cats. I’ve tried essential oils, cinnamon, so many things. I bought vinegar and I can’t open the freaking cap on the bottle.

My latest strategy is my “ant sponge,” tea tree oil, and glue. I add some tea tree oil to the ant sponge and wipe them up. Then I rinse out the sponge and run the garbage disposal with a few drops of soap and hot water so they don’t just crawl back out and get back to work. It’s SO brutal.

Every time I do it, I think about our government’s endless history of wiping out, killing, covering up, deleting and destroying “inconvenient” communities, cultures, groups of humans and anyone in the way of, or interfering with, their carefully crafted systems of dominance.

I, then, smear glue at the entry point where the ants appear to be getting in with the hopes of exterminating them. They’ve come through in so many places…and they keep coming. I keep killing them and I take note of the brutal, heartless, vengeful aspect of my humanness. It feels so terrible, but not terrible enough to stop killing ants in my home.

It seems that The Ants current strategy is to space themselves out so it’s harder to me to track where they are coming from. They often crawl behind furniture and along the tops of the baseboards, even up wall corners and along where the ceiling meets the wall. They are slower and possibly weary these days, but they persist. In a weird way, I am even rooting for them sometimes.

I’ve gone through all the cliche stages of grief about them. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance…all those things, every day, all the time. And it is ants, ants, and more ants!!!

I’ve looked into some of the lessons of ant medicine. It’s all medicine I can use! Working together to build community, leaning in to trusting the universe to have my back, deepening my relationship with spirit, and being in service to my dream and my community.

Yes, please. I need help with all of that, especially with how to deal with all the ants in my house and all the ants I’ve killed over my lifetime. No wonder I can’t sleep!

I notice that the baby screech owls have stopped screeching for the night. They must have been fed well and gone to sleep. Oh, no, I just heard one…they are still awake too, still hungry.

I took a core strength class today. I liked the class and the teacher even though so many things were challenging. It was too loud for me.

People were chatty before class. The studio space is smaller and has pretty low ceilings. The loud voices, bustling energy, and fast music seemed to bounce off every surface and scatter in a way that magnified everything. It felt overwhelming. Then the teacher started class and talked loudly over the music instead of turning it down. She encouraged a lot of audible exhaling in a long, forceful hissing sssshhhhh kind of noise. Times about 15 others in the class, it was intense and I couldn’t seem to match my breathing to the class.

People thumped their mats and props down and knocked over water their bottles. The door was open to let in air, but also allowed the sounds of kids screaming at recess at the school right next door. It all joined together into auditory chaos.

The teacher also seemed stressed like she was trying to fit too many poses/exercises into her allotted class time. She talked quickly and at a high decibel for whole hour, even all the way through savasana.

I almost cried a few times because of how distracting and stressful it all felt when I was hoping for the opposite experience. It don’t know if it bothered anyone else. I almost left the class a few times, but then I took a deep breath and didn’t.

The poses and exercises felt good and helpful. I was not able to tune out the distractions, but I was able to feel strong in my body and find some openings in places that have needed to open. I found ways to gently, consistently access and engage my core strength and that is what I came for.

I can find it so upsetting when the world I navigate doesn’t meet my need for abundant calm and quiet. Especially when yoga is supposed to be my calm, quiet time. And it’s no one’s fault, no one is doing anything wrong, including me for having needs and stress that they aren’t met.

I just ordered myself some Loop earbuds that are supposed to help people with sensitive ears like mine cope in social situations.

I understand how preposterous it seems to some people who don’t register loudness (sound) or layered noise (chatter) the same way I do and don’t experience it as physically painful and/or overwhelming.

I’ve been trying to downplay and minimize my internal experience my entire life. I’ve been trying to cope, be resilient and overcome.

It turns out that I am now tired of all the effort it takes to ignore my internal experience. The cost to me is too much, it’s too exhausting. I am making changes and accommodations that work better for me rather than trying to pretend it’s not happening and not a problem.

I notice that my core is slightly sore, it’s a feeling I enjoy. And I am finally starting to feel sleepy. Goodnight, hopefully!