nourishing

Today I’m thinking about how I relate to nourishing myself.

This morning I decided to roast some sweet potatoes. I considered how to retain the most nourishment from them for my body, how I like them to taste and look, and how they will hold up as leftovers.

I spontaneously felt so much love and gratitude for these three sweet potatoes. I wanted to treat them well. I washed them lovingly, the cut them channeling love into each push of the knife.

I remember a friend telling me about using kitchen tools with love and gentleness to infuse grounded energy into food. Most of the time I don’t have that level of intention when cooking, but today it was available and I went with it. I had the time and desire to choose to make my own energetic state part of the preparation. It was fun and enjoyable.

I added avocado oil, Himalayan sea salt, fresh cracked pepper, sweet paprika, cumin and garlic powder. I had fun swirling and shaking the sweet potatoes in the bowl to mix everything together and coat them evenly with oil and spices. I moved my whole body in the process, even ending with a jumping up & down moment.

I arranged them beautifully on the parchment and put them in the oven at 425 for 30 min, flipping at 18 min.

I then made a Greek yogurt sauce with grated garlic, lemon juice & zest, paprika, salt, pepper, cilantro & parsley. I grated slowly, zested thoroughly, and spent time sweetly plucking each leaf from the stems of the fresh herbs. Today it felt like such a joy to take my time, to appreciate each food item for both its beauty and benefit to my body, taste buds and feeling of fullness.

I felt how I purely enjoy doing things in a way that is as sacred as I can imagine. It is a way I practice loving myself and knowing that I am worthy of my own best efforts.

While doing this I recalled a time probably 20 years ago where I cooked for my spiritual teach one day per week for probably a year.

My task was to shop, cook, and deliver a meal to him on the same day each week. Since I worked weekdays, I dedicated one of my weekend days to doing this for him in exchange for being his student.

This is the way I was taught how to cook for him. Every ingredient was organic. All water used (even to boil potatoes and eggs or wash herbs) was from a glass bottled brand called Voss. Every tool used was washed with scent-free, non-toxic soap beforehand. My kitchen was completely cleaned beforehand. I was clean (showered and just cleaned clothes) before shopping for the food and then again after coming home from the store. Extreme care was taken to not let the “dirty” packaging (like the plastic on cheese), come into contact with the food. All sponges and towels used during the preparation were new and just washed.

I took care to be grounded, open hearted, and peaceful while cleaning, shopping, cooking, driving and delivering. My goal was for it all to be a beautiful gift and expression of my love.

The sincerity with which I tried to do all of this brings tears to my eyes. It’s some kind of spiritual boot camp that I can’t say whether I’d choose again if I got a life do-over. It all seems so unreasonable and yet a part of my soul chose this way to learn in this lifetime. Not to discount my vulnerability to the love-bombing, grooming, and brain-washing tactics of the cult…but I do hold myself accountable for the choices I made.

Today, I think that my considerable efforts represented my desire, even desperation, to learn something useful about love and how to cope with the intensity of suffering that is a massive part of life.

I was not ever able to maintain that level of perfection I was taught, but it was my sincere intention. While I was certainly invested in wanting to do a good job, wanting my teacher to love me and see my value, in wanting to be praised, in believing that being “good” in this way would get me closer to enlightenment…I also liked the feeling of accomplishing something challenging in a beautiful way.

There’s a lot to unpack there…more than 20 years later it’s still a rich source of self-reflection.

As I repeated this ritual weekly, the menu evolved, my skill and respect for my ingredients and myself preparing them evolved. I settled into this time with myself each week doing something I considered a service, an act of love.

Most weeks, I made a dish called the Om Great Spirit Casserole. It was loosely based on a recipe from a cookbook called Vegan World Fusion that was created by the owners of the restaurant called Blossoming Lotus that was in Kauai.

It was adjusted over time with suggestions by my spiritual teacher. The top layer had creamy polenta with parsley, cilantro and roasted red peppers. Then a layer of shredded jack cheese. Then a layer of black rice with diced Kalamata olives. Then a layer of jack cheese. The bottom layer was mashed potatoes blended smooth with butter and cream. I delivered the meal with 2 perfect fresh cucumbers and 6 perfect hard boiled eggs with the shells removed.

At that time he was my spiritual teacher, and now I call him a cult leader. I wanted to believe what he said was possible about love and enlightenment. I think for a time that belief kept me going. It always gave me something to do, something impossible to strive for, a group of people who all were trying to believe the same thing, and a way to feel like I had some control over things that are completely out of my control.

Over the years since I left that group, I find more ways that the lessons I learned serve me. Becoming able to take what life gives me and learn from and respect all the places I have decided to put my energy and all the efforts I’ve made is helpful for my continued growth.

When I decide that I want to offer myself (or someone else) this level of detail, love of process, and intimate connection to task, it makes me happy to do so. I get the rewards of my efforts. I feel loved by myself. I get to make that choice for myself. Something happens where time stands still and I am able to tune in to the silence and peace at the center of the universe.

And anytime I expect myself to be a certain way or force a level of participation my heart and soul can’t support, I feel the deep heaviness of it and the distance I am creating from myself by not listening to what is true.