Sad

I feel sad when things don’t work out the way I wanted them to. Life is often not the way I imagined it would be. I could be endlessly disappointed. I could (and do) spend time wishing things were different or imagining how I could have created a different outcome if I had only been better, smarter, or different than I am.
Life also often surprises me and is often much better than I imagined. It’s all happening daily and I have surprisingly little control over so much of it.

Even as I feel sad and move through waves of emotion, I still notice how calm the water is, how abundantly wildflowers are growing, the delicate fruit tree blossoms fluttering to the ground, those two butterflies dancing, and how good the air smelled on my morning walk. This practice consistently brings me through both happy and hard times, appreciating the details of the world around me that are so beautiful. That and laughing, I love finding humor where I can.

I see a hawk gliding onto a tree branch and a heron standing silently at the edge of the water. These beings are living their lives and tending to their business. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m here in this body, at this time, and in this location. I don’t understand what I’m meant to do or what my purpose is. I don’t have any answers, but I do have business to tend to. I have details of my life and my environment to observe and become intimate with. I have people to share my thoughts and experiences with. I have a whole wide spectrum of emotions to feel and choices to make. I don’t ever know for sure if I am doing the right things or making the right decisions. I’m finding out as I go and seeing what happens. It can all be so intricate and complex until it’s not.

Sometimes it’s all very simple. Sometimes silence and solitude feel just right. There’s nowhere to get to or run away from. Whatever I wanted to work out differently is not different, it is the way it is. I accept and commit to continuing to accept all that is offered to me and to let go of chasing things that aren’t. I’m grateful for every joyful, uncomfortable and nebulous moment.