Meditation

I captured only a fraction of the intricate drops of rain beaded on the flower buds and leaves in this garden. The rain felt dewy and mist-like. I can’t remember ever feeling so content to be covered in tiny droplets of water and larger, more splatter-y drops falling on my head from the branches of the redwood trees high above.

At a meditation retreat all day, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the hours of silence and stillness. It was in a cozy, rustic and charming church. I could hear the comforting sounds of the rain falling on the roof most of the day. I was at mostly peaceful in my body, heart and mind feeling both connected and solitary.

I can be the one watching myself go through having all my feelings, experiencing my epiphanies and struggles. I don’t need to be particularly attached to my preferred outcomes or cling to specific ways that I like things to be. I knew this before, but it’s so easy to forget.

I meditated on confidence. It seems to be such a revered state in our culture. How is true, organic, inner confidence cultivated? What does it mean when we feel we need to exhibit false confidence to be taken seriously or accepted? Why is confidence so important and what am I willing to do to get it/have it? What can it really do for me? Do I need to work harder or relax more to inhabit more confidence? Am I content with the areas I am confident about or do I need more? What’s the relationship between my ego and confidence? What are the benefits of lacking confidence?

It’s luxurious to have to much time to devote to following my thoughts around, observing questions and entertaining answers while simultaneously pushing back further and further into a wiser, calmer and more patient part of myself.