
Meditation
I
captured only a fraction of the intricate drops of rain beaded on the
flower buds and leaves in this garden. The rain felt dewy and mist-like.
I can’t remember ever feeling so content to be covered in tiny droplets
of water and larger, more splatter-y drops falling on my head from the
branches of the redwood trees high above.
At a meditation retreat all day, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed
the hours of silence and stillness. It was in a cozy, rustic and
charming church. I could hear the comforting sounds of the rain falling
on the roof most of the day. I was at mostly peaceful in my body, heart
and mind feeling both connected and solitary.
I can be the one
watching myself go through having all my feelings, experiencing my
epiphanies and struggles. I don’t need to be particularly attached to my
preferred outcomes or cling to specific ways that I like things to be. I
knew this before, but it’s so easy to forget.
I meditated on
confidence. It seems to be such a revered state in our culture. How is
true, organic, inner confidence cultivated? What does it mean when we
feel we need to exhibit false confidence to be taken seriously or
accepted? Why is confidence so important and what am I willing to do to
get it/have it? What can it really do for me? Do I need to work harder
or relax more to inhabit more confidence? Am I content with the areas I
am confident about or do I need more? What’s the relationship between my
ego and confidence? What are the benefits of lacking confidence?
It’s luxurious to have to much time to devote to following my thoughts
around, observing questions and entertaining answers while
simultaneously pushing back further and further into a wiser, calmer and
more patient part of myself.