First smell of fall rain

First smell of fall rain
Stoking my desire for more
Let go letting go

Seasons change, people change, and I change. I want with all my heart to be the most current, accessible, and loving version of myself at all times.

I can be all those those things and still struggle to let life flow through me in the ways that it does. I feel things slipping away that I want to hold on to. I inspire myself to let go of all that is letting go of me, but my life is often stickier than my beautiful prayers. I pray that my life and my prayers become the same, even more aligned. I pray to choose my prayers over stickiness.

Summertime, sunshine, and hugs that make my heart feel whole; their glowy memories blend into my aliveness and fuel me as I move forward. Every year at this time, no matter the actions I take trying to outsmart or prevent, I am faced with beckoning portals that I know lead to darkness.

I know I’m stronger than this darkness my mind entertains because every single time I have overcome it.

I don’t feel overly confident, but I do feel a much strengthened commitment to myself. I trust myself to navigate my life in a good way. I trust my instincts and decisions beyond my momentary feelings, desires, and regrets.

I know I’ve grown because I see my growth reflected in people all around me making the choice to choose themselves. I applaud us because I know how hard it is to consistently choose me over all the ways I could contort myself to fit into what others might desire or find interesting/attractive/comfortable/appropriate/worthy.

I close my eyes, breathe, feel my heart beating, and recognize the low pulse of my entire body. My desire for my own happiness is a wild river gushing into the deep, wide granite pathways it has patiently chiseled over years and years. I want this blissful feeling to spill over everywhere to everyone that wants to receive it.

A river has no worry that it is not being a good enough river, it just flows the way it flows, until it doesn’t. I have self-consciousness, but I am inspired by the river, the rain, and my own heart that desires to give and receive so much love and will not be contained.

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