Belated

My 45th birthday was 4 months ago. Recently, I realized that I was feeling sad about not having had an opportunity to blow out candles on a cake.

It’s a big deal to me to have that moment to make my birthday wish. Over the years I’ve lovingly provided that moment for friends and loved ones so many times…so many cakes, pies, and cupcakes with candles.

Recently I realized that this moment isn’t important for some people. Sometimes I’ve cared more about it for them then they did! A Happy Codependent Birthday Wish!! This year I didn’t prioritize if for myself. I did try a couple times to create my birthday moment, but it just didn’t happen.

So today I created my moment. I had a trick candle so I got to make several wishes. I ate cheesecake for breakfast with my tea. I do feel slightly ill, but I’d do it again.

One of the reasons birthday candles have been so important to me is childish magical thinking. If I wish for something with all my heart, the universe will conspire to make it happen for me.

Ever since I can remember I’ve always wished for more love, for a loving partner, to feel loved. It’s all I ever wish or pray for, some version of that. I am very blessed with so much love in my life, it’s undeniable. Yet, I am 45 and partnerless for more years than I can even remember now. It weighs heavily on my heart from time to time.

This year I’ve been loving myself in a whole new way. Tending to and caring for all the parts of myself that have unmet needs or feel sad. I can mostly provide for myself what I need. The magical idea that another person could show up in my life and provide all the love I’ve felt that been missing is idealistic. I believe more deeply now that loving myself is the most responsible way to be a loving person and have love to share with others.

Today I loved myself by tending to the part of me that felt sad about missing my birthday candle-blowing-out moment this year.

Idealistic or not, I’m still going to always wish for more love anytime I get a chance, be it the first star, birthday candles, a coin in a pond, you name it, just in case…and because I’m deeply loving the part of me that still believes in magic.