Today is the Autumn Equinox and I wanted to spend it breathing fresh air, reveling in natural beauty, and listening to wise messages from water, trees, and my local creatures roaming & flying around China Camp. A beautiful intention gone awry.
Instead, I woke up grouchy. I kept my hoody hood up all morning. Hiding out even though I was alone. I was irritated at myself for having feelings that I didn’t want to be having.
I’m at the bottom of a hope cycle. I get inspired and excited about ideas that make me feel hopeful about my life and the future. Then those ideas run their course and sometimes fizzle out. My hopes for the ways my life was going to change didn’t fully arise. I feel the void that exists in the space between what was and what is yet to be.
It’s kind of a perfect experience on Autumn Equinox actually. The end of a season and the beginning of a new one. It just feels void and empty to me today. I’m experiencing that as heavy and uncomfortable.
I finally went for a walk at sunset and then showered off the day. Letting go is hard sometimes, embracing the unknown can feel scary. There isn’t a good way to avoid having feelings that I know of. Some days are just packed with feelings, fuck ups, and frustration. Some days are packed with love, hugs and compliments. Most days are a mix of all that and more.
I’m always finding more ways to be grateful for my life and all it’s ups & downs.