I’ll be 45 in 2 days.
Someone asked me what I want for my birthday. I couldn’t put it into words until right now.
What I want feels way too big to ask for, unless it’s a prayer.
What I want for myself is an inside job. I need to create it, do it and live it for myself.
I want to live fully and express myself authentically. I want to say the things no one else is saying or acknowledging, and I want to say them with love, kindness, and vulnerability.
I want SO much. AND I’m SO tired of SO many things.
I’m tired of seeing and knowing what’s fucked up and not doing or saying anything about it. I’m tired of trying to do and say things, and then realizing I did and said the wrong things. I’m tired of not learning the lessons life keeps giving me and making the changes I know I need to make.
I’m tired of how arrogant I can be when I’m wrong, but I think I’m right.
I’m tired of projecting things onto other people and feeling like they don’t like me, care about me, or respect me.
I’m tired of treating myself badly and taking things out on myself instead of changing the things that aren’t working.
I’m tired of doing shit that I don’t want to do, but feel like I have to.
I’m tired of not understanding how to support myself in a healthy way on ALL the levels.
I’m tired of judging how much I think and feel about everything. I’m tried of judging myself.
I’m tired of letting moments pass with saying what’s in my heart. I’m tired of holding love back.
I want to stop everything and not do anything. I don’t know how to do that or if it’s possible.
I love my life. I just need a really long, fucking break from everything. What the fuck? How do we do this?
What I want for my birthday (and for the rest of my life!) is to figure this shit out for myself because I’m really tired of not having it sorted. I can do hard things, but I want to live my life in a way where I don’t create more hard things for myself.
I want a life that is doable and sustainable. I want to have lots of time for being with people I love and lots of time to do nothing.
I want to create art that opens eyes, hearts, and minds. I want to surprise myself with my own unlimited creative power that I can apply to anything.
I want to calmly and beautifully fix things that are broken, leave people and places better & happier than I found them, treat my body, mind & spirit sacredly, and live in a way that heals way more than hurts.
I want to immerse myself even more fully into the state of connection that the natural world provides and allow that wisdom to move my heart in the direction that organic growth desires for me.
I want to fully enjoy everything that is beautiful about being alive, deeply grieve everything that is painful, and powerfully rage against everything that is fucked up. Then I want to have really amazing sex, sleep really well, wake up feeling happy, peaceful, and refreshed, and have tea in bed with my cats.
That’s what I want. 🙏🏽
In a way…I can see that I have actually created my life pretty close to what I want. It’s humbling to rant about what I want and then realize maybe I already have it.
It feels how it feels. Perfect, painful, exhausting, frustrating, amazing, and magical. It’s too much and not enough at the same time.
Thank you for my life. My prayer is to accept what I can’t change, change what I can, have a rant when I need to, sleep/rest more, and be less tired of everything.